Thoughts of an Angel: Only with You
by rinnyheartillyizawesome
Summary: The thought process of an angel: "And then I break. And I cry. Because life isn't supposed to be this perfect."


I'm not sure when it was when I realized I wanted to marry you. Was it when I first fell for you? Or was it when we first met?

When was it you first penetrated my heart? Was it when the thoughts of being with you were swimming in my mind for hours at a time? Perhaps it was when I became jealous of anyone else that had some type of contact with you. It was something I could not, and did not, have for a long time. And every day, it killed me.

So I rooted myself in that jealousy; in the anger that soon overcame me during the same time it overcame you. As you battled, so did I. I battled what was the person I had fall in love with, or was it the person who was the mask? 'Till this day, I am still not sure. All I know, is that I had fallen for you.

I fell into the pool of warmth, but at it's very core, it was as cold as ice. There were injuries, so many cuts and scrapes the further and further down I swam. Sometimes I thought that the gashes would never heal, that I would bleed to death, but I kept going. Because I love you and you love me - and the fact that we were destined to be together was always poking at the very back of my brain.

So we never gave up, and tomorrow, we can finally come up to breathe.

"Stop thinking," you whispered, running your fingers along my arm. My hairs stood up on end, my body rocking in a shudder. "Just calm down. Please."

"There is so much to do, still.." I reply.

I mentally began noting: my bouquet is in the refrigerator accompanied by the five boutonniere for the groomsmen. We never thought that you would have that many. Tomorrow, my dress would be placed in the hotel by my Maid of Honor, my best friend. I remembered that early tomorrow morning, our friends would set off and decorate the end of the rows in the church with yellow roses. The bridesmaids would wear their baby blue dresses, carry the yellow roses and their shoes would all be nude, but they have the freedom of choosing whatever shoe they desire. And there would be pictures, lots of them, every second of the day. I would be smiling in each and every one of them, because I'm getting married, but I know deep down that I'm going to be going crazy just to make sure every detail is picture perfect.

"Just spend this time with me, okay?" Your fingers laced with mine, creating something more perfect than any picture we will take tomorrow. I could smell the sea salt as the waves crashed higher and higher, the high tide was coming, and the sand was rubbing relentlessly against my skin. I hated the beach, but you insisted in getting me away from all those wedding plans. And you are not a romantic person, but you surprised me with a walk on the beach and a bottle of my favorite wine which now laid empty beside us.

And I wished in that moment we could have had this sooner: that we could be married sooner, had children and a stable career by now. I was twenty-seven. You were thirty. We wanted to be married by time I was twenty five...well, I wanted to be married by then, but graduate school was a better road to travel during that time. And you were always far away, doing the only thing you ever loved; away from me, thousands of miles.

If only we could have been together before all of this.

"Stop thinking."

It's not that easy, I say to myself, turning my head to look at you. You lean up and in the blink of an eye, you are looming over me with the intensity of a firework ready to burst in your eyes. Those oddly light baby blue eyes that I fell in love with all those years ago. And the waves crashed higher, wetting the bottoms of my jeans. They clung to the skin at my shins, pulled at my calves as your hand pulled at my shirt. Your lips were crashing against mine, your body shielding me from the nuisance that was the salt spray. But I still smelt it. And I smelt your cologne and shampoo that was actually a woman's shampoo. Your hands were roaming and your lips were tugging at spots that only you knew would drive me crazy. My nails were clinging to your hair, our bodies rolling like the waves in a perfectly rehearsed dance...

...Our wedding dance is tomorrow...our first dance...as husband and wife...

And suddenly the world seems to close in on me...like the feeling of being suffocated...but it feels wondrous ..and my heart is racing and my lungs are contracting in the blink of each eye...and closer...and closer...I can't move. I can't breathe.

All I can do is feel.

And then I break. And I cry.

Because life is not supposed to be this perfect.

But the only time I feel like this, is when I am with you.


End file.
